Adventures of the Thief King: Babytime
by Donteatacowman
Summary: Once upon a time in the faraway magical land of England, there was a guy with white hair named Bakura, but who was also called the Thief King. The guy was, that is, not his hair. This... is his story. Or at least one of them.
1. A Tisket, A Tasket

_A/N: Part of the Formspring canon FOR I HAVE DECLARED IT SO. For more information, ask me or see /theevilbakura, /thegoodbakura, or /~greatsardonicismking._

_For those just joining us: Yami Bakura, aka the Thief King (though yes, he's still the fluffy-haired pale-skinned guy we all know and love) has his own body. Ryou has a couple of cats named Ashlee and Isis. I... think that's all you need to know for this oneshot (?). Oh yes, and this was written pretty much just because the Thief King didn't want a fanfic to be written about him having a child. So yeah~_

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Once upon a time in the faraway magical land of England, there was a guy with white hair named Bakura but who was also called the Thief King. The guy was, that is, not his hair, which had nicknames of its own (such as "Bat Wings" and "Bunny Ears"). However, his hair is a relatively minor player in this story and thus its numerous nicknames shall henceforth be ignored.

Today was a pretty standard day for the Thief King, all things considered. His hikari, Ryou, had ventured into the deep, dark, and dangerous world known as "high school" while the Thief King stayed behind to tend to more domestic matters, like feeding kittens and making coffee (as dark as possible, no milk or sugar if it could be avoided). It was a rainy day, also very normal for England, and the Thief King was amusing himself by checking messages online (for he had become quite the internet addict in the past few months). He didn't realize that soon his world would be flipped upside-down. Yes, very soon. Now, in fact.

The too-cheery chime of the doorbell echoed through the house he shared with Ryou. The Thief King grumbled, pushing himself away from the computer monitor and nearly tripping over the kittens playing at his feet in the process. Muttering an ancient Egyptian curse that could roughly be translated as "these durnblasted _bleep_ing kittens, you had better be glad you're cute," he picked his way over the detritus he had strewn around the house in the past couple hours until he got to the door and swung it open.

Much to his surprise, no one was there. His eyes scanned the doorstop in confusion and annoyance. No, there was nothing. Nothing but a giant pink baby basket completely decked out in ribbons, baby toys, and rattles.

The Thief King stared at the basket for a moment. "This is a joke," he said. Then he paused. He crouched low and glared at the basket, nudging with his finger the blanket covering it but recoiling when a child's wail came from inside. "This is a **JOKE**!" he said louder, stumbling back. "...I was being _**RHETORICAL**_!" he yelled to the heavens. No answer came forth but the continued sobbing of the infant.

The Thief King commenced having a staring contest with the basket. Perhaps his theory was that if he glared at the thing long enough it would vaporize or some such. Perhaps he was simply having a Blue Screen of Death (as they say) in surprise at the random appearance of a baby on his porch. Who am I, to be privy to the contents of the Great Thief King Bakura's thoughts? In any case, it was at least fifteen minutes before the 3000-year-old-man-in-a-teenager's-body heaved a long-suffering sigh and picked up the basket, drawing back the blanket to reveal the red face of a wailing baby girl.

He narrowed his eyes, trying to ward off the oncoming headache. "Shh," he crooned awkwardly. "Quiet, you little noisemaker." He peered about to see any signs of a person who could have left the basket, but he saw no one. Perhaps because he waited a quarter-hour before even attempting to investigate this mysterious happenstance. Way to stay sharp, Thief King.

His desperate efforts to calm the child were of no avail, and it finally came to the Thief King that PERHAPS the reason for the babe's distress was that it was pouring rain outside, chilling the two of them to the bone and getting them both soaking wet-which, as you might guess, neither he nor the baby really enjoyed. He grumbled, realizing that his only option (or, should I say, his only HUMANE option, for there were one or two completely unspeakable violent ones that also sprang to his mind) was to bring the child safely back into his and Ryou's home. He did so posthaste, kicking the door shut behind him with his foot and setting the basket down as he fetched something a little warmer than the despicably-bright-pink blanket currently covering the baby.

Dropping a quilt unceremoniously onto the kid, the Thief King plopped down next to the basket, relieved to hear the girl's crying finally abate as she fell asleep. Frowning, he poked the baby's arm once, experimentally, before drawing his hand back and resting his head on his fist. He stared down at the child with a pensive but stern face (which had frightened greater men than the baby, and which would certainly have scared her into crying again had she been awake to see it).

"What to do..." he muttered to himself more than to the babe as he resolved to watch her until **RYOU **could come home and take care of the thing instead. "What to do with you?"


	2. Finders Keepers

_A/N: Much, much shorter chapter. I remember the days I wouldn't upload a chapter unless it had a thousand words or more... /wistful sigh/ But! This is MY story and you can't do anything about it! Muahaha! Dance, readers, dance for meeeee!_

_...No wait, I'm trying too hard to be random again. Eheh._

_Anyway, SarcasticRocker86 kicked my rear in gear here, so apparently this WILL be a story. With no plot. Just stuff happening. ...Woo! Get ready for an action-pacted, tension-filled, emotionally-bah, never mind. I'm not gonna write that. P: But I hope you're amused by my brain bleching all over this page! :D And yeah, I'm planning at least one more chapter._

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"Well, I don't have any idea what to do with her."

The Thief King groaned in frustration, rubbing his temples to ease away his oncoming headache, as his lighter half looked down at the baby in alarm. Wait for Ryou. Bloody amazing idea. _That_ fixed everything.

"Whose is she?" Ryou prodded his yami gently.

"I have no idea," the Thief King snapped back. "It appeared on our porch completely out of the blue."

"_She,_ Yami."

"Fine, _she _appeared on our porch out of the blue. What are you going to do with her?"

"Me?" Ryou blinked before a devious smile curled onto his face. "She's _your_ baby." The Thief King spluttered as a response, to Ryou's amusement. "Finders keepers, Bakura."

"But what am I supposed to do with a _baby?_ I'll probably kill it-**her** within a week!" At Ryou's look of horror, he added, "-by_accident._ I don't know the first thing about childcare!"

"You seemed to do all right with that one babysitting job-"

"We are **not.** Mentioning. **_That._**"

"But-"

"**_EVER._**"

"...Fine. Anyway, I suggest you go warm up some milk or something."

The Thief King glanced at Ryou. "Why?"

"I think she's waking up."

The Thief King looked at the child and screamed like a little girl. No, wait, I'm making that up. But he **did** let out a little noise that Ryou would have claimed to be a yelp, though the Thief King would have denied any such thing.

Both boys stared at the girl, who had pulled back her blanket and was blinking blearily. Several serene moments went by chock-full of baby adorableness and nothing else.

Finally, Ryou said, "Maybe she's not going to do anything."

"Are you joking?" his yami muttered back to him. "These things are ticking time bombs. Any second, she could start wailing her little head off for no reason at all."

The girl gurgled at the two of them, waving a hand aimlessly.

"...She looks harmless."

The Thief King frowned. His apprehension was quickly turning to apathy. Another couple minutes passed before he turned away and began to walk out of the room. "Yell for me if it does anything interesting. Or destructive," he said over his shoulder.

"She's a _baby_, yami. She's not going to-"

Ryou was cut off by the baby's sudden hundred-decibel bawling.

The Thief King stopped in his tracks, his hand still on the doorknob behind him. He didn't move, even to cover his ears. He just froze. Then, ever so slowly and with shaking hands, he face-palmed.

_Ohhh, cruel irony._


	3. You Are My Sunshine

_A/N: Ah! 1000+ words! I can breathe freely again~  
_

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When the Thief King re-entered the room, the sight that met his eyes was pretty predictable, all things considered. Ryou had picked up the baby and was frantically trying to comfort her, but his efforts were obviously fruitless. Grunting, the Thief King scanned the room for something to stuff in the girl's mouth to silence her.

"Yami," Ryou was saying to him, though he was hard to hear above the wailing. "_Help_?"

The Thief King cursed under his breath. "What am I supposed to do?" he shouted back. "Knock the thing out?" Ryou gave him the death glare in response. Nevertheless, the Thief King drew nearer to Ryou and the baby, yanking her out of his light's hands. "Shut it!" he growled at the child.

And she did.

Both boys were stunned at the abrupt silence. "She... _listened_." Ryou paused and looked at his yami warily. "...How did you _do_ that?"

"I-I have no idea," the Thief King said, trying to keep the surprised stutter out of his voice. He held the girl out as far from him as his arms could reach, as if she would explode any second. She only cooed.

"No, yami, really! How did you-?"

"I have no bloody idea!" he snapped before getting himself under control and placing the baby back in her basket. She stretched her chubby little arms up to him, making little "unh! unh!" noises.

"I think she wants something," said Ryou after a moment.

"What, then? The milk?"

"You might as well try it. I think we have some straws in the silverware drawers."

"What good would straws be?"

"You can't expect a baby to drink out of a cup, yami," said Ryou, his tone clearly adding a "_no duhhh" _to his statement. "Try dribbling it in her mouth."

"Fine," the Thief King said, once again leaving the room for the kitchen in order to heat some milk.

Suddenly, Ryou and the Thief King both went deaf!

Or that's what it felt like, since the baby started screaming her head off at the moment the door closed. And man, that girl had a pair of lungs on her. Ryou clamped his hands over his head as his yami swung the door back open again.

"What is it _now_?" he yelled, re-approaching the baby. She made no answer (her mouth already occupied with the screeching, of course) until he bent down and picked her up, sorely tempted to shake her until she no longer made noise at all. At that moment she again stopped crying.

Ryou burst out laughing.

"_What_?" the Thief King said angrily, still glaring at the baby in his arms (who was then reaching for locks of his fluffy white hair, which were tantalizingly only inches away).

"I think she wants _you_!" Ryou said amidst his laughter.

The Thief King scowled at the baby, trying to think up some retort. Finally he had to satisfy himself with the ever-so-witty, "...No."

"She does!" The baby wiggled her fingers stiffly and chirped in agreement.

"'Not good with kids,' my foot." Ryou chuckled. "_I'll_ get the milk ready. You two can stay in here and get to know each other better."

"I'm _not _good with kids! I loathe children!" the Thief King argued as Ryou hustled his bustle the heck out of there, sniggering all the while. It took the Thief King a couple valuable seconds to realize he was being abandoned to the mercy of the baby. "...Get back here!" he bellowed as soon as he noticed.

No answer came from the kitchen.

He gritted his teeth and focused his attention on the baby in his arms, who had managed to catch hold of a bit of his hair and was waving it about like a trophy. "You," he said sulkily, "you are turning out to be a great deal of trouble, you know that?"

She blathered something in half-syllabic baby talk back to him.

He sighed, doing his best to ignore the heart-melting cuteness exuding from the baby. "You're getting heavy." He shrugged a shoulder to move her hand, making her let go of his hair. "And don't touch my hair."

She whined in the back of her throat.

His eye twitched as he fought to keep his expression grumpy. "Come here, you little monster," he muttered, plopping down on the couch and setting her on his lap firmly. "You'll be on your best behaviour for the Great King of Thieves, won't you?"

She sat there, gazing up at him with shining innocent orbs that betrayed nothing foul or devious about them. If the most evil person on the planet were to look into those eyes for a full minute, they'd be convinced the world was nothing but puppy dogs, sunshine, and flowers. That's how innocent those orbs of hers were. Or "eyes of hers," I guess, but orbs sounds much more beautiful and innocent, right? Yes. Yes, it does.

The Thief King just hardened his expression as he looked at her before finally relenting in the face of her power of pure cuteness (though if asked, he would have claimed this to certainly not be the case). "Hmph," he_ hmph_ed, trying to save face (because goodness knows he had a bad-boy reputation to uphold, even if the only one watching was an _infant_). "You had _better _behave." He watched silently as she jiggled herself up and down on his lap. For support, he slipped an arm under her head. "Don't wiggle your bloody head off, now."

All was well until the Thief King's ears pricked at a muffled giggling sound from behind him. Swivelling his head to face the doorway, he caught a glimpse of a guilty Ryou's head peeking in before it disappeared along with the sound of hasty retreating footsteps. The Thief King's face burned.

"Now look what you did!" he growled to the baby. Ryou was _never _going to let him live that "Precious Moments with Baby" snapshot down.

Showing no signs of guilt at all, the girl made another grab for his hair and yanked, chirping again and cutting the Thief King off mid-complaint.

"Little monster," he repeated. "**Let go of my hair!**"

Yeah, remember when I said the Thief King's hair was going to be a minor player in this story?

(This is your cue to say, "That's right, Donne/author-whose-name-I-don't-know! You did!")

...I **lied**.

The Thief King meanwhile was wrestling the baby's clumsy hands away, sharply commanding the girl to let go and borderling-threatening her for her blatant, remorseless disobedience.

He couldn't help but wonder if she were more evil when crying or when _giggling_.


	4. Hush, Little Baby

_A/N: The lullaby the Thief King misquotes is by the FF Net author Super Special Awesome Attack._

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"We have to do _something_ with her," Ryou said to his yami, who was across the table absently letting the baby grasp his finger and wave it around. "Maybe we should call the police."

"To arrest her for trespassing? Good idea, landlord." The Thief King poked the baby's belly.

Ryou looked at him exasperatedly. "To find out who her parents are, I meant. There has to be some sort of authority we're supposed to call."

"The Domino City Police Department: Baby Division."

"Well, what do you think we should do? We obviously can't keep her. We don't even know what to feed her!"

"She seemed to keep the milk down all right," the Thief King said. As if in reply, the girl hiccuped.

"Maybe I should go shopping for some baby formula."

"I have a better idea." The Thief King abruptly picked the baby up under her arms and reached across the table, depositing her in Ryou's arms. "_You_ take care of the little monster, and_ I'll_ brave the grocery store."

"But, yami-" Ryou could barely begin to protest before the baby joined in with a loud wail, having suddenly lost her fluffy new mommy. Ryou had to shout to be heard over her as he handed her back across the table. "**For one thing, she seems attached to you. For another, how would you know what to buy?**"

The Thief King grimaced at the noise and put his hand over the baby's mouth. It helped to muffle her cries but only distressed her more, and she began waving her arms stiffly and trying to chomp at his fingers. "You're the _good _Bakura! Why don't these senseless kids attach themselves to _you_?"

"Maybe my hair looks less like a plush toy to them..."

"What was that, hikari?"

"Nothing!" Ryou said louder, suppressing a grin and instead opting for a "sympathetic" sad smile that only revealed his amusement through his eyes.

"...How do I shut her up?"

"What'd you do last time?"

"I don't remember! She just liked seeing me in the room!"

"Try rocking her or something!"

The Thief King wrinkled his brow in disgust but took his hand off of her mouth and started to wave her body back and forth sideways.

"That's not how you rock a baby, yami!" Ryou was now shouting with his hands clapped over his ears. "Go like this!" He let his eardrums be blasted by the baby's crying for a few seconds as he mimed rocking a baby, which the Thief King mimicked.

"What now?" his darker side yelled back when it failed to work.

"I don't know! Sing her a lullaby or something!"

The Thief King paused before shouting out tunelessly, "**Hush little baby, don't you cry, Bakura's gonna get you the Millennium Eye-"**

"Not a lullaby that'll scar her for life!"

"It's the only one I know!" He stopped rocking her and just put her on his shoulder, wincing, and patted her back as gently as he could. Her cries got louder and louder until he was sure he was going deaf. "Ryou, I really don't think-!"

Her cries cut off and the Thief King froze, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. His eyes slowly narrowed and his mouth pressed into a firm line as he plucked the child off of his shoulder and held her out in front of him in disbelief. Spittle dripped from her mouth as she smiled cutely at him, a picture of... cute... babyness.

Ryou snickered and ran off to grab some paper towels as the Thief King shuddered.

"New rule," his hikari said, coming back to blot the spit-up that currently covered the Thief King's hair and shoulders. "No playing with her after lunchtime."


End file.
